Hey, Dad—would you like to ensure that your daughter becomes an inept, stressed out, unconfident young woman who hates her body, gets easily depressed, has no self-esteem and who will probably have critical weight problems?
Would you also like to seriously up the odds that she’ll bail out of school before graduation? What about increasing the likelihood that she’ll bow and kiss the ring of some stupid and abusive boyfriend or husband?
What about making certain that she’ll flaunt herself to get the attention of some Darwinian throwback, gold-toothed, rapping, Murphy’s-Law-personified thug so that she can be the chief hoochie in his up and coming booty video?
Or . . . or . . . would you like to greatly increase the odds that she’ll become a teenage sexual beastess, who (obviously) will have a better shot at becoming an STD wagon or a pregnant teen, who will then (in all probability) do a lot dope and drink booze like Ted Kennedy?
Well, then I’ve got some advice for you: You must detach from your daughter (like, right now), stay away from your home and let her know (by your actions, showing her no, or minimal affection) that you don’t really care about her life.
You must not, I’m talkin’ under no circumstances whatsoever (at least not for any extended period of time), cherish, coach or guard your darling.
This lack of mental, physical and spiritual input from you, Daddy-O, will exponentially boost the odds that your young daughter will grow up to be more lost than Jenna Jameson sitting in on a Reformed Presbyterian symposium discussing the differences between supralapsarianism and infralapsarianism.
Conversely, if you do not wish an Anna Nicole existence upon your daughter and would instead like to raise a sharp, solid and smart senorita, then you, Father, must get off your beer-enlarged butt and get caught up in your chica’s life.
Listen, mentally-challenged man, your lady cannot raise your daughter alone—and even if she could, she doesn’t bring to the table that which a masculine man does. Period. I don’t care what any splooge-brain sociology teacher at Columbia says or what rancid Rosie propagates. Single moms (as great as some of them are), and/or a couple of lesbians (no matter how mannish they look and act) do not afford that which an involved, non-metrosexual father does.
Raising girls that rock isn’t rocket science. So relax, Dad. You don’t have to start watching Oprah, Rachel Ray or the Bravo Channel in order to assist your girl. Simply let loose your natural, masculine instincts in their provisional and protective qualities on your little lady.
Here are ten things that I have (according to the secular progressives) used to “poison” my girls. All I’ve got to say regarding these principles being implemented is: so far, so good.
1. Teach Them How to Fight.
2. Teach Them How to Shoot Guns.
3. Teach Them How to Sense BS.
4. Teach Them How to Rebel.
5. Teach Them How to Be Classy (That’s mostly my wife’s job.)
6. Teach Them to Despise Anti-Intellectualism.
7. Teach Them to Be Visionaries.
8. Teach Them How to Party.
9. Teach Them the Value of Hard Work.
10. Teach Them the Importance of Traditional Convictions.
Having covered point one in last week’s column, I offer you now my second key to developing a kick-butt babe.
2. Teach Them How to Shoot Guns. With demoniacs now boldly going into Amish Schools and shooting innocent little girls, and with insane, should-be-dead-and-roasting-in-hell perverts and pedophiles prowling our parks and picking on our chicks, I’m a zealous advocate for women getting packed, stacked and ready to whack.
Fathers, I wouldn’t have your girl learn how to just barely use a weapon; I would be aiming for her to be able to emulate Angelina Jolie’s character in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yeah, I would teach her to be proficient in all forms of death dealing with all types of guns.
My advice to you fathers when it comes to guns is: start them off early (10 years old) and slow. With a proper introduction, I’ve never met a girl who (once she got past an initial squeamishness) didn’t absolutely positively love shooting guns.
A mild .38 Special revolver, or a .380 automatic pistol plus a .22 rifle and a nice 20-gauge shotgun that fits her well (very important), is a good way to get the party started. A year of you and her regularly hammering targets down range should set her up to be a girl no one wants to get PO’ed.
Finally, make sure she gets a “concealed weapons” permit as soon as she can. Remember Dad, the toe tag belongs on the assailant, not your young lady. The final 8 nuggets next week. . . .